To say I’m in shape is like trying to convince that a square is a hexagon. Covid, a home bar and the passing of time have poured scorn on my waistline and the shedding of excess blubber is harder now than ever. Still, I continue to blame my metabolism as I cycle 20 miles a day in a vain attempt to scourge the plus size me, as I gallantly consider new exercises that my bad back, age and penchant for bucketloads of toffee popcorn will allow.

It was at the point of having, soul destroyingly, just bought a new fatdrobe, that a friend, John Smith, called me out of the blue. Now John is one of those fellas who proves the adage that the harder you work, the luckier you get. He is a respected business owner, with a fleet of top-of-the-range vehicles, who also happens to be a cage fighter in his downtime. Having travelled, some 20 years ago, in the back of a truck to escape the oppressiveness in his home country of Romania, he has worked hard and is now enjoying the fruits of his labour. To relax, he takes pleasure from entering an overgrown hunk of meshed metal with other like-minded sadists and beating seven bells out of each other. That said, he is good, and remains unbeaten despite entering his 40s, and holds several belts including being three-times UCMMA Light Heavyweight champion and the UKBC belt holder.

Watford Observer:

After my boring him about my waistline, he made me an offer I could quite easily have refused, but stupidly didn’t: "You come to a training session with me tomorrow," he directed and, realising it was half term and I had already told him the back was bearing up pretty well, I had no room to manoeuvre.

I confess my knowledge of cage fighting is sparse. I know nothing about it bar Conor McGregor, and don’t really comprehend why fighting in an enlarged hamster cage is any different to the traditional ring, but he who dares…

Watford Observer:

Upon arrival I wished there were dehumidifiers as sweat particles made the air sodden with damp and the smell of primitive ‘man’, as John punched some pads held by his trainer, who can comfortably be classed as a bear of a man. Despite the bear's best efforts, he was being rocked back at every jolt.

John was in the zone and if this was only a training session, I feared for his upcoming opponent. He confirmed his mind was ‘clear’ when I was imagining, if it were me, giving a dry slap to a stable of celebrities who, for some unfathomable reason, get my goat. Danny Dyer, the Hairy Bikers and Warwick Davis sprang to mind as I gloved up and hit the pads with all my gusto as the bear casually had a chat with some guy in a tracksuit standing behind him while simultaneously checking his beard in the full-length mirror.

Watford Observer:

Not wishing to embarrass myself any further, I then got ‘involved’ in some cardio, or at least I think that’s what it was, as we squatted and jumped and ran on the spot and did some weird stretching type exercises before some ‘bag work’. Stupidly I followed John and the sack caught my wrist on the way back and nearly sent me for a four-hour wait at the nearest A&E while I wished I'd stayed home and watched Emmerdale instead.

Aware that this clown had taken him away from a busy evening schedule, we then, mercifully, had a bit of theory where I pretended to understand the methodology behind moves such as the ‘knee from the double collar tie’, the ‘sprawl’ and the ‘double leg takedown’. It was at this point that John insisted on a practical as I lay inert on the floor and regretted the family-sized bag of Twiglets I had scoffed as a warm-up snack. With the taste of regurgitated Marmite in my mouth, I thanked him for whupping me and called it a day.

Watford Observer:

But strangely, afterwards, despite my brief introduction to the sport, I am looking forward to John’s next fight. Personally, I will be hanging up my gloves after a brief and ultimately less than successful session, but I can’t wait to sink a few beers and see if my ‘sparring’ came in useful when he fights Danny Summers at the Willows in Chigwell on Saturday November 20. Having previously fought at Wembley arena, John is looking forward to a post-lockdown comeback, as the gladiatorial traits of yesteryear once again come alive in this most curious of sports, which I will never again participate in.

  • Brett Ellis is a teacher