‘I felt guilty I was not enjoying my son’

Helen Bells and her husband Duncan had been married for a year and a half when she became pregnant. Newly arrived in Bushey Heath and living in army married quarters, Helen began her maternity leave. Displaced from friends and colleagues, she didn’t feel elated but put this down to her change in circumstances and told herself it would pass. It didn’t.

On top of a prolonged and unpleasant period of morning sickness, Helen felt overwhelmed by negative feelings that she tried to hide from even those closest to her. Unfortunately this only increased her anxiety.

Helen’s son David was born at Watford General Hospital in 2009 and she hoped the emotional rollercoaster would take an upturn but it plunged even lower. In 2010 she was diagnosed with postnatal depression. Although those dark days are now in the past, Helen has written a book The Mother of All Journeys,which has helped her come to terms with her condition. Compiled from notes made during her slow recovery period, Helen hopes it will be of use to other women and their partners – one new mother in ten goes through postnatal depression.

“After I was diagnosed, I was more than happy to go on anti-depressants. I started to write down my thoughts and make some semblance of order out of them, which then became a book to give something positive to other people.“ It is not a medical journal but this slim volume is written with a moving level of honesty.

In it Helen poses the question: ’Why was I sad? I had no idea.’ And those words alone convey the utter sense desolation Helen felt during what was supposed to be the happiest time of her life.

“Everyone is led to believe, when you have this bundle of joy, your life will be complete, but it just didn’t feel like that to me. I felt guilty that I was not enjoying my son and I thought, ’what’s he done to deserve a mother like me?’ It was a downward spiral and some days I didn’t have the energy to get up and go out.

“My family were very concerned. They were supportive and understanding and tried to reassure me, but I felt totally isolated. I thought everybody else was fine, that they were all enjoying having a baby and coping with it. I thought, gosh, I’m the only one who’s not enjoying it and, of course, other people were not having such a great time, but I couldn’t see that.“ Helen, 35, no longer needs medication and sounds happy and relaxed after enjoying a swimming session with her now two-year-old son. He attends a creche and has a nanny-next-door, so that Helen is able to work part-time doing event management and teaching French.

The family has relocated from Hertfordshire but the book acknowledges the help she found as a newcomer to the area.

“There was a walk every Thursday morning starting from King George Recreation Ground in Bushey,“ recalls Helen. “I’ve always been an outdoorsy person, so I looked at things I’d be able to enjoy that wouldn’t cost too much, plus it was also good exercise during pregnancy.

“They were a really nice group of older people and they showed an interest in me. I didn’t feel I was judged.“ Helen says she also made friends at a baby yoga class and had a lot of support from her local Sure Start children’s centre.

“The Sure Start drop-in sessions were invaluable and my health visitor was absolutely brilliant too, she even came to see me on her day off.“ Wishing to help others who feel as isolated as she did, Helen is soon to start work as a counsellor for the Association for Postnatal Illness.

“There is nothing wrong with saying you’re not coping and getting help,“ she advises. “There are avenues you can go down to make things better. The first step is realising and admitting something is wrong.

“So many women are like swans on top of the water and you don’t know what’s going on underneath. For me it was so much easier when I realised I didn’t have to be superwoman and could set one thing to achieve a day instead of trying to do 20.“

The Mother of All Journeys is available at: www.themotherofalljourneys.co.uk