"Trapped"

2:25pm Wednesday 16th April 2008

I feel so trapped.

It isn't my fault. I didn't start it. I definitely don't want it to happen. Yet, against my will, and my prayers, it does.

Mother says this. Father says that. Back and forth, back and forth. What is this called? An argument. What does it consist of? Angry people, a sticky situation, and many people hurt in the process. Yes, Mother and Father are quarrelling right now, in the other room. I must say they have very loud voices. Thunder and lightning, havoc and chaos, and all the rest of it.

Well, what I can definitely say now is, \"Ho Hum\", with a sad sigh. Arguments and quarrels are not an uncommon occurrence in my household. In fact, that would be an understatement. It's almost always happening. It's always about something different each time. Bills, my schoolwork, their in-laws, the cat's litter-box, the washing machine breaking down, even a book dropping off the shelf. It makes me wonder why Mother and Father even married in the first place. But that's another story.

Sometimes, they threaten to divorce each other. Then they storm into my room and order me to choose which parent I want to live with. How am I supposed to make a decision like that? I love both of them so much. Surely, I can't choose which parent I want to love and which parent I would like to stay away from. Love doesn't work in a way where you get to pick and choose your loved ones or your enemies.

Waiting to fall asleep in bed at night, I think about the last quarrel they had. They accuse each other of being irresponsible, of being intolerant, or rude, or not making the right choices, or not taking care of me well. Could this all be a game? Maybe, deep down inside they do love each other. Is arguing the thing that keeps them together, or the thing that makes marriage a constant decrescendo of love, trust and care?

Every time one starts, I inevitably get drawn into it. Whose side are you on now? Whose will you favour tomorrow? What are the consequences you face for your choice? These words, though unspoken, remain powerful. It is a double-edged sword of a challenge that I face, this time, and the next, and the next. I feel like each parent hopes, even trusts, that I will go running to them, yet dares me to flee the opposite way. And in my moment of panic, I end up thinking it's a lose-lose situation for me. Finally, one parent relents and either forgives the other, or apologises. There is nothing left to keep the fire going. The quarrel is over.

What if I did choose a parent's side? What would happen next? This "manoeuvre" in the "game", to put it bluntly, I do not know well. But I really do not know the outcome, had I the chance to put it in practice. Would one parent, being more self-assured, bring the other parent down to utter self-destruction? Would the other parent become rebellious and adopt a "devil-may-care" attitude? Or would it just carry on as though I wasn't even there? And how would all this affect me and my life?

I just don't know what to do. Maybe someday, when I'm older, I'll think in a different way, and I might view things clearer, or even in a shadier picture at the worst. All I know is that I'm sitting on a metaphorical fence, waiting, just waiting, to know what to do. What to do when Money or Knowledge can't offer you an escape route.

I just don't want to feel so trapped.

Janell
Age 14

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