Writing Competition Entries
Pantsgate: That Newsnight Interview in full:
Paxman: Now, shares in Marks and Spencer slumped today as bosses came under fire for the declining quality of Men's pants. I'm joined briefly now by Sir Stuart Rose, Chief Executive of Marks and Spencer.
Sir Stuart: Good Evening Jeremy.
Paxman: Sir Stuart, what do you say to those who have aired their concerns?
Sir Stuart: I can't condone that. That kind of thing is illegal.
Paxman: No, I mean the concerns regarding the gusset strength in M&S pants.
Sir Stuart: What I would say to that is, the quality of our underwear is, well, it's robustly measured against rival products at leading retailers, such as Primark, BHS and Figleaves.com.
Paxman: Figleaves? Don't think I've heard of it-
Sir Stuart: -Anyway, our market research has flagged up a change in consumer demand. People want to loosen up, to feel less restricted. Underwear is part of a social revolution.
Paxman: So it's got nothing to do with your moving of production facilities from Grimsby to Lagos, Nigeria?
Sir Stuart: As to that, such a move was necessary to sustain value. It's perked up our drooping sales figures considerably, and we're now in effective competition with Primark.
Paxman: Let's get to the point here; the quality of your pants is an absolute scandal. The Daily Mail is calling it a hanging offence.
Sir Stuart: Jeremy, I simply reject this. The pants are subject to rigorous testing. They've been modelled by Linford Christie. That's why demand has proved inelastic for over 20 years.
Paxman: But you've gone from one balls-up to the next. Your medium-control briefs have slid halfway down the consumer satisfaction poll, and the decision by Nuts magazine to make you their main supplier has surely dented your credibility. Answer me this, do you wear pants from your stores?
Sir Stuart: Well, I don't really see what that has to do with the issue at hand. What you should be asking me is, "Do you have total confidence in the integrity of your products?" And the answer is a resounding "Yes". That is the bottom line.
Paxman: Your knowledge of anatomy is remarkable, but you haven't answered the question.
Sir Stuart: You need only look to the satisfaction of millions of customers over the last-
Paxman: -I'm asking about your pants.
Sir Stuart: Look, that is a personal matter. The idea that I have to wear the pants to believe in them is. well frankly its balls.
Paxman: It's a perfectly reasonable question. I have to ask these questions, it's in my brief.
Sir Stuart: Then your brief has certainly stretched. Can I interest you in a new pair from M&S?
Paxman: No. Excuse me, I'm asking the questions and you don't seem to be taking this seriously. This is a matter of vital concern to British Manhood. Let's address the manufacturing process. How are these garments made?
Sir Stuart: We spin a lot of yarn.
Paxman: No doubt. There have been some allegations of shrinkage.
Sir Stuart: Eh?
Paxman: In the wash.
Sir Stuart: Oh. Tell them to turn the knob down.
Paxman: I'm sorry?
Sir Stuart: On the washing machine. Look, when this scandal broke I debriefed our operational head of underwear, Miss Itchi-Fong, and she's investigated the claims extensively. The long and short of it is, it isn't true.
Paxman: Hmmm, yes. We did invite her onto the programme this evening, but she was unable to join us due to a wardrobe malfunction. To be perfectly frank, it sounds as if you just haven't got to grips with the customers' needs. They feel they are getting a bum deal.
Sir Stuart: Customers are always happy with our service. That's why we have a return rate of only 0.1% for our pants.
Paxman: But how can the customer be expected to return their goods if they've shrivelled into non-existence? If you don't have any answers for the customer then what have you to say to the shareholders who are dumping their shares in droves?
Sir Stuart: Please, just hang on to them!
Paxman: Sounds like you're losing your grip. Bit like the pants, really.
Sir Stuart: Are you enjoying this?
Paxman: Very much. The board of directors is surely guilty of complacency. You should be keeping your eye on the ball.
Sir Stuart: Oh, that's hilarious. Keep on and they'll be calling you Jeremy Pantsman.
Paxman: No, that "joke" really was the knickers. And how can you demand the trust of the shareholders after a bloomer like this?
Sir Stuart: M&S is a no-frills investment. People trust the name and they support it.
Paxman: Yet seemingly it doesn't support them. That's why you're hanging low in their esteem. People are wondering whether you have the right faculties to lead a British institution like M&S.
Sir Stuart: How dare you! My capabilities have never been in doubt. I've got serious balls for this job.
Paxman: Are you prepared for the close public scrutiny they will come under, in light of this scandal?
Sir Stuart: I'm looking forward to showing my stuff. And I do think "scandal" is too strong a word.
Paxman: They're calling it "Pantsgate" in all the broadsheets.
Sir Stuart: That's journalists for you, all mouth and no trousers.
Paxman: We'll see how long they can keep them up. The headlines, I mean. Sir Stuart, thank you.
Sir Stuart: Thank you.
Faye
Age 17
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