The minutiae of life irks and jerks at my tolerance threshold. I get het up when being forced to scan and pack my own shopping as I am watched by an eagle eyed operative, whilst begging for carrier bags that are not left on public display as they may ‘be stolen’. Ironing, and having to fill the car up with fuel also grate due to the mundanity and uselessness of both activities, yet still, through complete lack of choice, we persist with these benign and pointless undertakings.

With first world annoyances in mind, I read with relish the reviews of the recent CES tech show in Las Vegas. Granted, technology is an often unwelcome but needed bedfellow. We invite it into our homes, often against our better judgement, in the hope that they will make things a tad easier and free up scarce time resources. Resistance is futile. It is akin to having an affair and running off with a younger model named Alexa, then being given the last rites by your toaster wife before sneaking off once more to see what else Alexa has to offer.

I read the new technology advancements to see if Marty McFly’s hoverboard would finally become a reality in 2018. I wanted to be assured that we will be able to load the trolley up and walk through an airport style gate so we do not have to go through the process outlined above. With a trolley scanner, we could also avoid human interaction with supermarket staff, many of whom seem forced against their will of extolling the virtues of bags for life and a responsible attitude to mother earth. Meanwhile, they sit in a building that is overheated, over lit and as kind to the environment as Donald Trump in a Hummer.

Expecting an ironing machine or teleporter, I was instead faced down by Winbot X, designed to effortlessly clean windows. With all the window cleaning products and gadgets on the market, I still believe it is solving a problem that doesn’t exist. That’s said, I haven’t seen daylight for 12 years.

LG have showcased a range of three smart kitchen appliances that talk to each other. Think of a world where your fridge could converse with your washing machine and microwave and you will truly see a world where we are lacking in ideas.

My favourite items from CES: for the princely sum of 6k, I can enamour my powder room with a ‘talking toilet’ which I could no doubt attempt to silence after an evening at the local Chinese buffet. The Somnox robotic pillow is designed for singletons who wish they had someone to snuggle up to at night. It ‘mimic’s the movements of a partner as you hug it in bed. It is unclear if it snores like a jet engine, pulls the covers off and swears at you in its sleep.

The ‘Hip air’ is a contraption aimed at the more mature target market. It inflates around your waist to cushion the inevitable falls you may have. It is not designed to answer the question: ‘Do my hips look big in this?’ The Magik smart toothbrush ‘helps’ children to brush their teeth as they interactively play a game on your smartphone. Frankly, this is the last thing you need to throw in the mix as you battle to get the bairn to slumber at stupid o clock, after a one kid, 2-hour bedtime go slow protest.

Designers need to get a grip. There are many society ills and issues that could, and should, be addressed, if not solved, with the use of technology. How about a life-size cuddly toy to keep old people company? Volunteers could log on at any time to chat through the dummy and check on stranger’s well-being and chew the cud. The self-scanning trolley is a must have and a voice activated pepper spray or taser jacket would allow women to feel safer when out and about. A shower that washes and lathers would also be a boon. Until designers pull their fingers out and design something useful, I plan to make do with a homemade inflatable dual hip protector/ window cleaner device which I will construct using a rubber ring and Screwfix branded Jet wash. I may take a stall at CES 2019 and introduce the ‘Hipstar’: ‘It makes cleaning a breeze as you protect your hips with ease’. Forget Dyson, Brunel and Crapper, there’s a new inventor kid on the block and he’s hanging tough.