Jesus does not live in Bushey
9:27am Friday 7th March 2008
IF you've got any dirty little secrets then I'd urge you to get them off your chest pronto. Judgment Day, it would appear, is upon us. Yes, Jesus Christ is alive and well and living in a modest one bed flat under Bushey Arches.
Needless to say, however, this is not true; it's an unlikely discovery that exists solely in the evidently erratic mind of engineer turned author Phil Robbins.
It's a plot line just as potty as it first appears: A troubled teenage girl befriends a Big Issue seller by the name of Zeus (and his dog, Judas) only to find the man from under the Arches isn't quite who he says he is.
"I wanted to explore faith in a way that wouldn't alienate people," said the Bushey based scribe to literary reviewer Mel Dakin last week.
Good luck with that one, Phil.
In all seriousness, however, Mel assures me Under the Arches is actually a pretty good read. Throw into the mix that all proceeds are going to the New Hope Trust and we can really only salute Mr Robbins' somewhat unusual endeavour.
To disappointed Christians the world over I repeat: Jesus does not live in Bushey.
Mind you, an opportunistic promo photo of the son of God thumbing a copy of the Watford Observer would do wonders for our sales figures I'm sure.
Did the earth move for you? (wheeze, wheeze) Well, no actually. In case you missed it (as I did) the Great Quake of 2008 spared the vast majority of our rich architectural heritage, although some frightening pot-holes have appeared outside the Observer offices. Or were they caused by the small army of heavy lorries, plant machinery, and eastern European builders who have spent the last six months building Hertfordshire's most mysterious building over the road? Could be either but the latter is more likely.
Yes, it seems our best efforts to drum up some natural disaster related content fell rather flat - although I did hear one report of Croxley Green falling into a big hole.
Unsurprisingly, our Carry On inspired web question Did the Earth Move For You? (again, chortle, chortle) attracted little more than an avalanche (now that's really unlikely in these parts) of schoolboy quips and top-shelf inspired tittle-tattle - most of which had to be removed.
From what we can surmise, a grand total of one call was made to the fire service. "Someone did complain that their bed moved," said one Watford firefighter.
Make you own gags on this one but for heaven's sake keep them off our website.
A few world records that you may be interested in: n 100 metre sprint: 9.75 seconds, Asafa Powell, September 9, 2007, Rieti Italy n 400 metre sprint: 43.18 seconds, Michael Johnson, August 26, 1999, Seville, Spain n Long Jump: 8.95 metres Mike Powell, August 30, 1991, Tokyo, Japan n Fastest laying of a mile of pennies: 2 hours, 27 minutes and six seconds, Rickmansworth JMI School, February 24, 2008, Chorleywood. See page 11.
Spot the odd one out? Yes, it seems school fundraising has moved on from the days of the traditional table-top sale, tombola, or non-uniform day.
World records, it seems, are all the rage these days. As if the laying of 96,000 pennies was not enough, pupils at Rickmansworth's St Joan of Arc School will attempt to go one better next month with a double world record attempt; the world's biggest simultanious handshake (600 kids) and the world's largest simultaneous book read.
Perhaps they could read from Under the Arches.
It's healthy stuff, I'm sure you'll agree - but wouldn't a record-breaking scoff of 96,000 penny chews have been more fun?