All I see is a collective misery: Since Covid, which is used as the excuse catalyst, I feel as if I rarely see my countryfolk smile and the most recent ‘national happiness’ index, produced by a gaggle of Canadian economists in their recent ‘world happiness report’ bears this out. The rankings are decided by using the variables of: GDP per capita, social support, life expectancy, freedom, generosity, perceptions of corruption and dystopia.

Coming in, surprisingly, at 17th out of 146 listed countries, it makes me wonder how sad folk must be in countries such as Zimbabwe, Lebanon and Afghanistan (the bottom three). China makes the 26th spot beating luminaries such as Singapore in 27 and Spain in 29, which, having been to both places numerous times, leaves me wondering if the report is based on fact or local perception as, well, everyone likes to make out their lot is a bit ‘edgier’ than the average bear, don’t they?

Our average life expectancy is nigh on 81 years old now, which is a boon as the retirement age keeps on edging up toward that figure. No doubt it will one day overtake the figure as the Government use the costs savings for some unworkable new IT system or to buy yet more hotels to house migrants in place of a workable plan B.

With GDP per capita of £33,000 in 2022, which seems a strange benchmark for happiness when we seem to be suffering the fallout of rampant inflation as supermarkets, in it together, treble the prices of some essentials, we do score well on ‘social support’. It's worth noting that this relates to friendships and family units and not the social care system which is as broken as a Fiat Uno that has been driven at 200mph straight into a brick wall and then crushed for good measure.

Freedom is also highly ranked but surely its comparative and again, about perception. We supposedly have freedom, or did, but now the mildest of utterances that could be deemed ‘offensive’ or cause ‘harassment, alarm or distress’ are on the rise as the police continue to look for easy wins as they bash themselves with the PC stick on one hand and a copy of the McPherson report in the other.

With generosity, I would not argue. We are extremely generous despite financially being in the toughest of times I can ever remember, as we continue to give what we can to charity. More so, as a country, despite being demonised as racists at every turn, we welcome those in dire need with open arms, such as Ukrainians suffering from the Russian invasion, as well as huge levels of immigration that stretch our GPs and support networks. That said, despite suffering from a drastic standard of care from those services we have always taken for granted, we do share them, equally, with non-native Brits despite being branded as gammons at every turn, as we prove ourselves to be one of the kindest and most accepting countries on planet earth.

Corruption is defined as ‘dishonest or fraudulent conduct by those in power, typically involving bribery’. Now we have become accustomed to a collective believe that corruption is widespread, with conspiracy theories en vogue, but compared to some states and countries, not too far from home, we are little Lord Fauntleroy when it comes to large scale corruption.

That said, if the index counts nepotism and the old boys club, which I doubt it does, then we would be on the podium. Want a job in the city or the law? You need a leg up from one of Daddy's Chumley Warners. 43 per cent of the UK’s top 100 most influential broadcasters and journos were privately educated, as opposed to seven per cent nationally, and the same plays out in many bastions of English life.

And finally, we have ‘dystopia’ which means ‘bad place’ which, arguably, most of us are in, bar the super-rich, as we struggle to afford the bare essentials despite governing party rhetoric as to how its not that bad really, is it? I’m sure the one thing they are finding harder to avoid by the month, a general election, will wake them up as the clock ticks on their ability and aptitude to sort the bloody mess out, before we kick them out. In a dystopian state, we are constantly under fear of surveillance, where, in reality, we are tracked each time we go shopping, or carry our phone, or drive our car as we are punished exponentially for the most minor infringement of the rules which, to my mind is as dystopian as can be.

Or maybe I am just a miserable sod, I don’t know, but to me, the weather should be used as a barometer. When are we happiest? I would guess when in foreign climes as we swan about in shorts and shades as you feel the gentle sea breeze wafting through your bald patch and think of home with a sigh and look wistfully toward the number one, Finland, and wonder what they have, that we have not…

  • Brett Ellis is a teacher