Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello...... I don’t know what it is exactly, but when a police officers about I feel extremely guilty and uncomfortable, now I can only put this down to one of my past life misdemeanours because I cant think of anything I’ve done in this life to make me feel so uneasy. That’s not to say I haven’t done anything........just that I can’t remember. Anyhow my shackles go up, mouth goes dry, hands start sweating and I try to avoid eye contact, so I’m beginning to think I have a police officer phobia thingy going on, like others feel when they go to the dentists, only I’d choose a drill over a truncheon any day. So last Sunday was my worse nightmare........................................

Deciding I could muster up enough energy to walk the 2mins to Courtlands Cafe, my mother and I set off in need of breakfast. It feels quite sad to get excited about a 2 minute walk but when you can’t always do it, you become a lot more appreciative.

At the bottom of Goodwood Avenue there were two police cars and as we rounded the corner there were another two in the parking bays and I wondered if there was some early morning filming going on as we live right near Leavesden film studios, or maybe there was something more sinister going down? Mum being sensible as only mums can be, suggested they were probably having breakfast in the cafe.........”yeah, right” I laughed.

As mum pushed open the cafe door and it swung back, I found my hand going out to catch it and follow her through, but my legs had other ideas. I was suddenly frozen to the spot at the cafes resemblance to the canteen off “The bill”. If I came out in hives at the sight of one police officer, I was in danger of anaphylactic shock at the sight of not 2, not 4, not 6.....okay so you’re getting the drift huh? There were 12 police officers.....12.

I found myself turning into this petulant fifteen year old, face contorted, snarling lip, “Do we have to eat in ere?” I sulked, but my mum had already found a table, made herself comfortable and was half way through ordering........oh, that’s a yes then?

I know I’m not the only one with police officer phobia because every now and again someone would pop their head around the corner and peer through the window to see if it was all clear to come in and then vanish again when they realised it wasn’t. I was also aware of an elderly conservative looking gentleman loitering outside mustering up the courage to do something, I could just feel it in my water.......and I was right.

Now I can only assume the elderly gentleman woke up that morning and decided life wasn’t worth living anymore because he suddenly swung the door open like a saloon in a cowboy movie, only he looked nothing like a cowboy in his M & S burgundy jacket, and the rolled up Sunday times he had in his hand didn’t quite cut it as a pistol. But he just stood there in the doorway as silence fell. Then he suddenly blurted out “Do you realise you’ve taken all the parking spaces? And people like YOU should be setting an example to people like US”.

In my head I was screaming “Now ruuuuuuun, while you still can, go on, I’ll throw myself in front of the door to give you a head start” but he just stood there until a policeman broke the silence by lifting up his head, letting out a huge sigh and quietly spoken said “okay, thank-you for that”

What........... No police chase?....... No action?............ No blood?..........Is that it? Obviously so, and with that all the police officers piled out of the cafe and sauntered back to their cars, and all the police phobics who’d been hiding around the corner all piled back in. What a let down.

On Tuesday I was able to do my voluntary work courtesy of mum taking me and picking me back up as I’m still struggling with the exhaustion and breathlessness. As I handed out the chocolate, I had this rather weird conversation with one of the clients, Sally, a jolly but rather outspoken lady and it went something like this. SALLY- “You look like a married woman Stacy”

ME- “huh? I’m not married”

SALLY-“but you look married”

ME- Noooooooo, sally, you’re meant to say I look like a rap/hip hop artist or a rock chick, I’d even settle to being likened to one of the spooky twins off the X-factor, anything but not married”

SALLY-“But you do look married”

ME-“okay......... soooooooo, what does a married woman look like? Are we talking haggard middle aged spread kinda married here?”

SALLY-“Well yes, most of them do”

ME-“Thanks for that Sally, you’ve just annihilated my day”

I’d heard of the saying “out the mouths of babes” nobody warned me about “out the mouths of O.A.P’s”.

Apart from the usual poor health, the kamikaze pensioners and the insults, this weeks been pretty good. My nephew Jonny celebrated his birthday.... on crutches, and I reminded him the only thing getting plastered would be his leg. His younger brother Chris is in army cadets and just got his camouflages which is a big deal so way to go Chris. www.afme.org.uk

My sister, her husband and my nieces Megan, Bethany & Shannon came down from Sheffield to visit, which was great, I love catching up with them, and no matter how poorly I feel it always lifts my spirits seeing them.

Musically I’m still plugging away, and on noisehead.com my “trouble” track went to number 1 out of over 4000 tracks, lionhart went back up to number two. American radio station Upperroom, which is Princes favourite internet radio station contacted me to say they’re still playing my trax and look forward to continuing support, I also had a top American hip hop songwriter/producer working with the likes of Nas, Tyrelle, jay-z etc ask if I would like to hear some tracks with view to recording.........now call me daft (many do) but I said thanx but no thanx because I already write my own stuff and I’m sticking with it, well, if you don’t believe in ya self then who else is gonna? But remind me of this in another year or two when I’m still struggling lol! www.myspace.com/mamachill.

Finally, I had my doctors’ appointment yesterday and cognitive behavioural therapy is now available on the NHS Woo Hoo. He faxed a request straight over to St Albans hospital to see if they’ll take me on. Apparently there’s a basic computer based CBT or an advanced one to one and I’m going for the advanced having had M.E for so long.

I know there’s no cure for the physical side of M.E at the moment and that’s one of the things I struggle to deal with, I get soooooo frustrated at not being in control of my life, and of course it doesn’t help everyone telling you, you look okay and insinuating your work shy just because they cant see the illness. CBT can give you techniques at looking at things differently and help with coping strategies, and while there’s nothing I can do for my body at this stage I can at least try and take care of my mind and keep it strong because if my minds strong I can cope with the disabilities this illness brings.

Wow it’s been a long one this week, guess you’re dehydrating and in need of a cuppa huh? And well deserved too. Mines in a mug with a custard cream if ya making. Thanx for stopping by, have a great weekend, stay blessed and I’ll see ya next Friday.

Back before Elvis :) xxx