Down and Out in this city, that city...and basically any other, where the women have their senses intact. (1) (From Watford Observer)

Down and Out in this city, that city...and basically any other, where the women have their senses intact. (1)

12:27am Sunday 7th February 2010 in

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His dating record reads like a who’s who of faecal matter. If you were watching this poor, desperate excuse of a man’s screwball antics on the big screen - you would find yourself crunching your lips together, gasping for breath and unsure as to whether you should be laughing or crying. It really was cringe-worthy dating behaviour.

The first date with his childhood sweetheart was a historic event, but only in the way that The Holocaust was a historic event. She had invited him around to her house for dinner, but ultimately, he was there to gain her parents’ approval.

He knew that. He only prayed to God that Spaghetti Bolognese was not on the agenda. Things were going to be tough enough, without him having to explain his intentions towards their daughter - whilst Bolognese is dribbling down his chin and is splattered all over his crisp, white t-shirt.

That’s a relationship-ender if he’s ever seen one. Even Cary Grant never looked cool eating a Spag-Bol.

It was an impossible task that one must always avoid on a first date. Low and behold, she had cooked it and he was doomed. That relationship was fun while it lasted. He can’t help but wonder whether things would be different now, if only they’d of opted for a simple, yet effective steak and chips dinner - that resulted in the man not looking like he has the eating habits of a starved, wild boar. There had been no such luck.

The second major relationship in his life involved him and a ‘silver-spooned’ medical student from an upper-class family.

He couldn’t believe his luck either, so was very determined to make a go of this one – and things were going as smoothly as possible. It was the sort of relationship that you see in 1940’s black-and-white movies (i.e. picnics on the beach, walks in the park...fancy meals not involving spaghetti.)

He had found her, “the one”. He had even been given her parents’ seal of approval. It was perfect, well, sort of. It was about 6 months in when the relationship ultimately broke down. Her father had invited him to a “harmless”, recreational game of Squash.

It was an opportunity for the two to bond socially, but more importantly, it was to affirm the young man’s stronghold in the family. He accepted, but not without consequence. Little did he know of her father’s unhealthy, competitive nature when it came to sports, and what made it worse - it was of equal measure to his own. What resulted was not a game, but rather a ‘bloodbath’.

During a gruelling tie-breaker in the 23rd game, one swift swing of the young man’s racket saw him accidentally break his potential father-in-law’s arm. That was another one that got away. He has learnt a few things from his past relationships though.

If ever asked for an “innocent” game of Squash with your girlfriend’s ultra-competitive father or for a dinner meeting with your future in-laws, in which Italian cuisine is on the menu – you may as well just end the relationship then. It can only save you time and humiliation. to be continued...