YOU, M.E & THE DOT (From Watford Observer)

YOU, M.E & THE DOT

11:22pm Thursday 5th August 2010

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By Stacy Hart »

Grab the Kleenex, violins, cue sad music…it can only mean one thing….. I’m having an emotional week, the M.E is making its presence well and truly known and the frustration of it all has had me blubbing and snotting all over my laptop, so apologies to any men reading this, I know the thought of having to read emotional womens stuff might be a tad painful for you, so you’re excused to go and a have a coffee, or a sneaky peek at page 3 of the daily star if you so choose.

I promise I’ll try and make it as painless as possible, but I can’t compete with a Nescafé & Miss Silicon airbags so you might want to leave now? My emotional wailing comes in the form of a short poem, “THE DOT” that way it stops me rambling……and boy do I ramble, especially when I’m in my M.E dying mode…an hey I’m a woman, do I really need an excuse to ramble. I could obviously talk about M.E until the cows come home, but it won’t change anything, it’s about acceptance and that’s something that after 20 years I still have trouble …….er……….accepting………

Me & M.E, Same letters separated by a dot, One’s who I am; one’s what I’ve got, One’s who I used to be, ones what I’m not. Oh I’m still me, there’s just a dot in-between, But it’s a dot that can stop you from living a dream, It’s a dot that separates the M from the E and while it’s sat there it’s hard to be me, The me that I was in healthier days, Before the dot came forcing the parting of ways. I’m nothing as M and empty as E, but side by side again I could be me. That dot has got a lot to explain, How can something so small cause so much pain? So much devastation, Seem endlessly cruel, it’s just one stupid dot after all. Why does it have to be stuck in the middle, causing complex symptoms that read like a riddle? I have to believe that just as it came the dot will mysteriously vanish again. Every night before sleeping I hope and I pray that I’ll wake up as me without a dot in the way.

I’ve been criticized in the past for having M.E in the blog title but then writing little about it. But as I’ve stated before there is a method in my madness, for those that want to read entire blogs on M.E there’s plenty out there, in fact you could spend all day, reading, writing and chatting to others about it if you wanted to, the truth is I choose not to, and so this is a blog for all those who refuse to be swallowed up completely by an illness that has, and continues to swallow up a great deal of their life already. www.afme.org.uk

As someone with M.E I still have thoughts, dreams and opinions like anyone else. I’m still able to contribute to society, I’m still fortunate enough to be blessed with some useful talents and also some non-useful talents, yes, I’m still proud to be able to balance Maltesers where others can not lol! I still have eyes to see with and ears to listen with and there’s so much more to life and my life than M.E.

So while I share how things are going with you on a weekly basis, I prefer to spend more time sharing all the other things. They may only seem small things, they may sometimes seem trivial or irrelevant, but it’s the life I have, and I hold on to every wonderful moment, whether its feeling the sun on my skin, or getting Into a debate with someone on the price of a loaf of bread, while I can still do that it means I’m alive and haven’t been completely consumed by this awful illness. …yes my friends, it is indeed my way of still kicking ass.

And while on the subject of bottoms, i was shocked to see quite a few the other day while being driven home from the choir by my cabbie. www.gospelmanna.com He must’ve seen my gawped expression and asked what was wrong, so I told him; I’d just seen a number of girls in a back doorway dressed in thongs, basques and stilettoes.

As the car went into reverse, he pointed out that he was a man and needed to see for himself. On seeing what I’d just seen he explained it was the back of the lap dancing club before calling out to ask if there were any jobs going because his passenger i.e. me was looking for a job…..oh a cabbie with a sense of humour.

In fact it was hilarious because being a tomboy I’m not very good at doing sexy, my definition of sexy would be a bag of chips an an ice cold bottle of bud……I’m really not getting the hang of it am I?

I’m still mourning the loss of Herts Mercury radio and missing presenters kez, Tank and Ozzie heather , they’d become virtual friends over the years and sometimes my only contact with the outside world when I was housebound or bedbound. I would often text in to the programme and join in the conversations and they were generous enough to take the time and text back.

I’m now swinging between Kiss FM and radio two depending on my mood, and while Kiss play great tunes and I love Chris Evans banter there’s just not the same connection. It’s like the closure of your small friendly local shop and suddenly being forced to shop at the supermarket, it feels cold and soulless.

Apart from updating information on my music sites I have to admit I’ve done very little on the actual music front this week, www.myspace.com/mamachill I’m only up for short periods and concentration is not my forte at the best of times.

But I’m still song writing, it just stays in my head until I have the energy to scribble it down, oh and I’ve been writing this blog…oh and I started up my dream site on face book, DREAM 2 BE. For those of you that don’t know, I’m a qualified dream therapist, another one of my passions after music.

I still haven’t been able to get my tattoos done, but it’s on the “to do” list, as soon as I reach a better level of health where I feel it will be safe enough I’ll be whipping everything out that can be tattooed……well, maybe not everything.

I’ve been catching up with my friends well written and brilliant blog, “carrying elephants” she also has M.E but does so many other things and her blog this week really does allow you to escape everyday life for a little while. So can I recommend you have a little read? carryellies.blogspot.com

Well its late, so time for bed said Zebedee, hope you have a lovely weekend, stay blessed, see you next week, back before Elvis :) xxx

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