Certain professions impress, and top of the list is emergency call operators. They are calm to a fault and always know what to say, when to say it, while maintaining a professional tone and knowledgeable air.

I last had cause to phone on the Alban Way after a cyclist nearly took out my daughter Isabel as he passed out while having an epileptic fit and before crashing into a tree. I was glad of the advice and assurance given, yet felt pity for the paramedic who had to walk nigh on half a mile laden with enough medical supplies to keep Boots going for a week as she stumbled like an overburdened pack horse.

Despite largely positive experiences with 999, the same can’t be attributed to 111. On the rare occasion I have ‘enjoyed’ their service I have found that I may have well have called Kwik Fit and ask for medical advice. The two options they give are: 1) Go to the doctors in the morning (despite there being a six-year wait for an appointment) or b) Call 999.

I gave up after the last call. My daughter had a high temperature and a cough. Being a then relatively new parent, illness was magnified and I took the 111 plunge. I explained the symptoms and the response was staggering: Question 1: Is she breathing? I explained that that would have been the symptom I would have mentioned before the temperature and cough as it is not something any parent is likely to throw into conversation at a later time. Question 2: Has she turned blue? See question 1 for my response, with my adding that she was ill and had not suddenly turned into Bernard Manning. It turns out the operator thought Bernard Manning was an illness, which some may claim was the case.

There are many who call emergency numbers with less urgent complaints. A woman called to complain that she had purchased a kebab and it was cold. I contemplated at this point making up her name and claiming it was Donna whose husband was called Pitta. Another punter complained that there was a clown selling balloons for £5 in central London, while another called 999 to ask for 111’s number.

Greater Manchester Fire and Rescue Service were called out after someone got their thumb stuck in a bowling ball. Other classics include a woman who wanted to know if the egg in her fridge was safe to eat, a snowman being stolen from a front garden and someone who had lost their laptop password.

My favourite however must be the elderly woman who had a stain on her carpet. She requested that the fire service go around and blast the stain with their hose. The stupidity of some people never ceases to amaze. I recently sold a car on Autotrader. I received a call one Sunday morning and the conversation went something like this:

Him: "I’m calling about the car. How far away are you?"

Me: "Where are you?"

Him: "What do you need to know that for?"

I really sympathise with the emergency operators as they must maintain a semblance of professionalism while suffering fools gladly. Their service is invaluable and we are lucky to have it. As for me, I twisted my ankle falling off my bike yesterday, so I’m going to get some advice from the local tyre company, which goes to show you can get better with a Kwik Fit fitter.

- Brett Ellis is a teacher who lives in London Colney