EVERY now and then you read something so wondrously stupid, so preposterously ridiculous, your mouth dries out before you realise it has been open for three weeks.

So please stick with me while I walk you through a frankly astounding press release sent out this week by everyone’s least favourite corporate conglomerate, Tesco.

Deep breaths please...

What is it we all think about while tucking into a succulent slice of melon?

“Mmmm, juicy.”

“I wish they could grow a seedless melon, those pesky little blighters always get caught in my throat.”

Seemingly not.

According to the guys at Tesco what we all really want instead of a melon is a slightly more zesty flavour.

Now, take my word that this isn’t an April Fools’ joke delayed in the post, but apparently Tesco is now proudly stocking a melon that tastes...like a lemon.

This diarist is well aware that Tesco is on the cusp of taking over the world and branding the moon with an “every little helps” shaped crater.

But has nobody told them that instead of eating a melon and moaning it doesn’t taste like a lemon, what every person this side of Broadmoor’s outer wall would actually do is just eat a lemon.

But then again, hands up who actually wants to eat a lemon, or even eat a fruit that tastes like a lemon?

Let us remind ourselves the lemon – the bitterest, most eye-wateringly sour fruit you could ever wish to get your chops round – is up there with a bottle of perfectly preserved dinosaur urine for the effect it has on one’s palate.

So how long has this pointless genetic modification taken?

Why 12 years.

WHAT?

So that’s 12 whole years of some unfortunate boffin’s blood, sweat and (undoubtedly) tears spent growing a new fruit to look like an old fruit and taste like different fruit.

Unbelievable.

On happier news I’m told Sainsbury’s are at the critical stage in the quest to grow an aubergine that looks like a rhododendron, but tastes like spaghetti hoops.


ANYONE used to having a boogie in Destiny Nightclub may be well aware of the latest “superstar” DJ to spin the wheels of steal at the former Watford night spot.

For those of us who try to avoid the town centre discotheque, you will be delighted to know the disc jockey in question was none other than Watford Borough Council’s Kelly “MC” McLeod.

While on a mission to investigate the town’s night-time economy – along with fellow councillors George “Dubmaster” Derbyshire and Sue “Glowstick” Greenslade – apparently MC was seen to leap over the DJ booth, grab a seven inch and begin scratching away.

Quite what the clubbers made of the show I cannot say, but I hear MC is seriously considering swapping the ballot box for a beat box.

What the council’s “spin” doctors make of it all, however, we may never know.


I AM afraid to say I am going to have to close this week’s frivolities with some rather embarrassing news.

The curry canvassers have been in town to find out what ruby murray the good people of Watford enjoy tucking into – and it is not good news.

As an avid fan of the chicken Dhansak, this diarist was hoping to see that spectacularly good dish at the top of the list.

Alas, while most of us rate an onion bhajee well above a bowl of chicken chow mein as our favourite take-away, we are, it seems, a bunch of lightweights.

The most popular curry in the town is, of course, the korma.

I personally believe this great town cannot be tainted by having such a wishy-washy excuse for a curry as its most popular meal (after all what would the Madras lovers in Luton say?).

Therefore, I am suggesting that we all man-up a bit and start improving our spice in take.

So (I admit I have not run this by our promotions team) please buy next week’s Watford Observer where you may (or possibly may not) receive a shiny red chilli and a Vindaloo cook book.

Just don’t blame me if you get Delhi belly.